Recipe for Relationship Suffering – You will need these 6 Key Ingredients

Recipe for Relationship Suffering – You will need these 6 Ingredients, got a pen to write these down? Oh wait, most of us have these ingrained in us from birth, so they should be easy to remember. 

You will need to keep buying into at least these 6 limiting beliefs if you want to create relationship suffering that keeps up with your neighbors level of disconnect and dissatisfaction. Go…..


couple follow reciepe

#1  Falling in-love should be the foundation of all coupled relationships. What does courage and confidence have to do with it?

You will have more suffering than peace in your relationship if you buy into the idea of being IN love instead of evolving in your ability to BE love as often as you can, is a healthy foundation for any relationship.

In order to successfully and joyfully share resources well, divide workload and live in close quarters requires human beings to be able to access a pure form love consciousness. This can of course be in combination with feelings of falling in love and emotional attachment but is something far more in-depth and awake than any feel good/bad emotional state. It requires a conscious choice, a courageous choice. Real choice requires a wealth of confidence. Courage comes before confidence.

In order to have a mature long-term perspective about life, one must have confidence in knowing they have fully examined all options possible. In addition, they must feel confident they can choose any of these options without being bullied, outcast or shamed in all the subtle and not so subtle ways, including home culture, religion and the larger current cultural norms, for their choice. For a choice to truly be a choice, it must be devoid of any feelings of social pressure or being stuck in a circumstance somehow.



wedding cake cracked


#2 The only real marriage is one filed with the courts. If it isn’t submitting to a court order, it isn’t fully committed. 

You will have more suffering than peace in your relationship if you get into legal contact with the government that you can lord over your partners head or at a minimum, will always be a subtle “threat” in the backdrop of your relationship. 

This especially comes into play if you have kids that need care and material goods. This contract essentially forces your partner to do their part… or else. This also requires a lawyer and facing a social stigma of being a failure as a human being somehow, if it doesn’t go well. Avoiding the mess of a break up will then become the motivation of many to stay, thus creating more suffering on the planet than lovemaking.  

Are we coming together to create a corporation that produces suffering as its main product or our we building a love factory that is pumping out awesome in our relationships and in turn, the world? When anyone feels stuck or trapped or even EVER ONCE has the fleeing thought that they will stay due to the mess of getting out of the legal contract, then they are not there out of true choice but rather a sense of obligation. Obligatory living is passionless, purposeless living.


  #3 There is only one type of sex; the sex I already know about. Why would anyone want to have a full body orgasm anyway?

You will have more suffering than peace in your relationship if you refuse to expand your knowledge and personal capacity about sex and intimacy.  

Stay ruled by you biological sexual drives, as if still in adolescence instead of learning about and developing a conscious way of experiencing your sex life and you will guarantee a diminishing return on your mental, physical and emotional health. Your inability to offer the healing gift of Next Level/Grown Up sex to your partner will de-motivate them and cause you to have an underlying sense of not being enough. All of us have a little voice that says, “Is this all there is to this? Isn’t there something more?” that we either respect or suppress.  

Suppression leads to repression, which leads to all type of dis-ease, rotten festering and death of cells as well as spirit.  If you allow you sexually to stagnate and live in an illusory expectation that the one way will somehow continue to be satisfying and inspire enthusiasm, you will set yourself and your partner up for disappointment, depression and disconnect. 


couple fighting over son

#4 The natural next step is to have children so that must bring automatic sense of purpose and connection, right?

You will have more suffering than peace in your relationship if you have kids because that feels like what you are supposed to do next to fit in and feel whole.  

Having kids thinking that will bond you as a couple and/or before you evolve into a fully-grown up, orgasmic life with each other is a recipe for disaster. If we put this in terms of our elementary grade school system you can think of it this way…if you relationship is a C- then it will become a D or F after you have kids, if it is a B or A before then it will be an A or A+ after.  Having children to “lock in” a relationship is a socially sanctioned and a form of child neglect/abuse, so when you think about it, not much good can come of creating a completely new human for this reason.  

Additionally, If a woman isn’t opened fully as a sexual being then her birthing experiences are very likely to cause her trauma not bring empowerment. Men will set themselves up for more work to re-open their woman to him if he doesn’t learn how BEFORE she gives birth. In many cases, he may never fully recover his woman’s capacity to open to him if she births his babies in trauma and fear instead of surrender and flow.


#5 There should always be a balance of equality in relationships. I do for you then you should have to do for me.
It’s just fair.

You will have more suffering than peace in your relationship if you are focusing on a secret mental checklist of “Tit for Tat” instead of investing energy into attraction to get your needs met.  

Resentments breed when we don’t get our needs met. We are not unconditional, we are human. We get sick. We break down. We die, slowly sometimes. We have conditions/needs that the relationship is supposed to satisfy to some extent depending on each individual and unique relationship dynamic.

 We are much more attractive, thus much more likely to actually get our needs met if we care clear about what our needs are within ourselves, forthright about communicating those needs and involve ourselves in generation a motivation (inspiration) in our partner to WANT to help fulfill our needs.

We can channel super natural unconditional love, create space within us by clearing old baggage to make room for it to flow but, we are imperfect humans so we will build resentment if we try to give or expect unconditional love without inviting in that which is beyond us.


old bored couple

#6 Relationships are only successful if they last forever and stay the same as when they started.

You will have more suffering than peace in your relationship if you indulge in the illusion and dream that how things are now can somehow stay just as they are forever.

The only thing we know for sure is that things will change. Change is the nature of things but humans find this to be scary. Our egoic mind tries in vain to create stability though possessiveness, hoarding and compulsive thinking and behaviors. Relationships filled with joy and passion, take change into the utmost of consideration. They respect and embrace change. They are constantly investing in their personal growth and re-negotiation, on the daily if not hourly on the conscious contract between them.  

There is no implied contract or often no legal contract between those in a vibrant, fulfilling relationship. Their contract is a living, breathing and never implied. There is a choice actively being made to stay each day in great long-term relationships.  A relationship can last a long time but was it happy, joy filled and deeply satisfying more often it wasn’t? 


50 first dates

When there is an understanding that relationships start and end repeatedly in our lifetime and in the lifespan of the relationship itself, then depth of character can unfold and bonds of connection can strengthen. A marriage can last 50 years and be unhappy because there was more of a buy in to the social commitment itself than to generating a surge of life force the within the relationship as it is ever growing and morphing.  

Wellness and epic levels of pleasure require us to be brave and keep going back to the negotiation table each day with the understanding that one day the other person may say no thank you or even fuck off, one day you may find you have outgrown the relationship. Scary, I know. However, if we are not brave enough to face this possibility and the type of brief suffering it may bring we will for sure end up with a great deal more suffering that will last a much longer time.


Learn more about my breaking the cycle in your life. The Norm is NOT your Nature!

Men Start Here >>> The Integrated Man

Women Start Here >>> Love Men UP Project

Every Awake Human on the Planet Start Here >>> Love Without Control  The Relationship Re-Frame Revolution


Michelle Terrell has been a health and wellness coach since 1995. In those years she collected data and the real life testimonials of thousands of good men who were feeling lost and confused in their love lives. Her workshop students dubbed her The Pistol Whip Hippie because her teaching/coaching style is irreverent, in your face and radically honest (the Pistol Whip part) with the follow up being supportive, nurturing awakened energy (the Hippie part) that inspires men to strive to be their very best.

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