The Legend and The Set Up
Let me tell you a story, one I have heard over and over for 20 years in my career as a sex educator, male empowerment coach and facilitator of healing work for women.
Once Upon a Time, there was this average good guy who was emotionally under developed and never felt fully safe expressing his sexuality (like most marrying kind) that got married with a sub conscious program of hope running in the back ground of his mind.
He has invested much in the hope that the legend of our culture about committed relationships was true… that he would find a safe haven to unpack who he really is with this one women. He has followed the rules and protocols so he knows that if he gives her what is demanded of him socially, in order to prove her value to him, this will cause her to become willing to be with him forever.
The folk legend says, that once you have bought the woman with enough tokens, social approval and verbal reassurances she will agree to be yours forever and he will finally get his pay off. The precious non stop access to sex and unconditional acceptance will finally be his!
What men find instead is that they have unwittingly, and with all good intention, invested in the container for a relationship, not the content. He soon finds, that due to this misplaced commitment his newly locked-in woman remains mostly closed to him with a diminishing return of affection, loyalty and enthusiasm over time.
She is hurting and confused as to why the legend that promised her relaxation, depth of intimacy and openness once married didn’t happen for her. She closes more and more in her isolation and pain.
She begins to shame him for his sexual desire and preferences because she has been programmed to be a “good girl” that fits with his “nice guy” if she wants to ultimate pay-off…. the social status of being offered forever provision, with a legal contract to enforce this agreement. She has that, now what?
Neither one of them has a clue what to do next to get out of this corner they find they have become backed into by following the map of the legend-of-the-norm. This map is known as The Set Up to the wise ones with eyes to see.
The more she is forced to reject his needy advances, that shut her body down, the more respect is lost for him and in-turn she feels more and more insecure. Attraction is quickly lost and must be replaced with obligation to duties in order to stay or they must relationship abandon to keep it from deteriorating into total disrespect and hatred. Fear rules things, not love. Love never did.
Her sex was the bargaining chip that got them here and now nobody knows what to do with it.
So, he turns to porn because he doesn’t want to cheat or doesn’t know how to attract another woman on the side.
This then escalates to buying hand job massage and finally, when he has so completely over stimulated his bio-chemistry by jerking off and hiring sex workers, his dick no longer works so he becomes desperate for someone, anyone to talk to, this is when he hires a “girlfriend experience” escort. She won’t judge him and if she does, he can always dismiss its power by calling her a whore. She isn’t a respectable good girl like he married, so its ok to tell her everything.
Sounds horrible and like what only a bad man would do, but he just wants to talk openly in the way he had hoped he would be able to in the safe haven of a marriage. He just wants that acceptance the legend promised him !
He believes the legend has worked out for everyone but him, and he begins to feel like an ultimate failure. He becomes bitter and closed. Where is that acceptance the legend promised him ?!
In the meantime, the wife his vowed to love and lead and the children he has fathered are left with a shell of a dad. She just wants that depth of security the legend promised her!
She becomes more of a nagging mommy each day that she is burdened with his job AND hers. She must or the babies might die. Her instinct takes over and she becomes that hardened woman that gets shit done on her own.
She feels like the ultimate failure and gets bitter and closed. Where is the depth of security the legend promised her!?
Little do they realize, it isn’t working out for anyone. The legend is just that, a fairy tale story for a childish, delusional way of living. They are not failures, they have been set up for failure.
* 80% of American marriages report sexual dissatisfaction which speaks to over all life satisfaction.
* Porn and Parlors are on the rise.
* Yet, folks still buy-in on the zany urban legend perpetuated by the powers that profit from it. The very thing that kills passion and blocks access to love.
The wedding and the divorce industries, that are directly tied to each other and the government licensing departments all profit when couples buy-in on the legend that leads them straight to the death of free thinking and the power of true love.
The only couples (legally married or not) that are living in love daily are not norm following, but rather actively, consciously choosing education and the pro-active alternative to the norm….. they seek a life together that is defined by their honest expression of self and high regard for emotional vitality.
Its not YOU, its the broken norm you have been so diligently following, to the letter, than has crippled you and blocked your access to transcended true love.
Education and brave, awake deviation from the nice guys-and-good girls-get-the-prize-norm is the only way to gain lasting attraction and amazing, healing, acceptance based sex.
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If this story hit close to home and you would like to talk about it as well as discuss what steps you can take right away toward something better, you can request a FREE 15 min phone consult and mini course here >>> YES I want to Speak with Michelle right away!
The Pistol Whip Hippie
Waking Men up, Setting them Straight and Loving them Along since 1995.