Letters to a Dear Sweet Provider Husband and a Dear Nice Norm Following Wife

man with sign seeking human kindness
Dear nice, sweet, provider husband,

I see you. I see your relationship for what it really is. It’s ok, I’m here to help.

I’m going to say something harsh right now. I say it to hopefully wake you up so you can make positive change.

Ready? You don’t desire your wife, you desire sex. She can feel that. This is why she tries to get out of sex with you.

I know, how can you be both a good man AND own this as your truth?

When you do, you take a huge leap toward being a grown up and being able to be what is required for something better. Not what SHE requires but what satisfying intimacy and depth of experience requires.

She can feel the difference you know. She already knows your desire isn’t for her but for release with her body.

Doesn’t mean you don’t love her, just that you are not very interested or invested in learning how to be loving with her to the fullest extent you are capable.

Bringing home your pay check, not beating her, buying her gifts on holidays and saying nice things are not bad, but often hollow tokens and not the stuff of intense turn on.

This is why 80% of American marriages report a level of dissatisfaction in their sex lives and 60% of that stat are women reporting their relief at getting out of sex with their husbands that they say they do love.

I believe she loves him. But I KNOW she doesn’t respect him or her body would open to him.

See, seduction happens all day long in healthy awake relationships.

It’s not that you are a selfish bastard, but the version of a martial arrangement you are in promotes a death of passion and soul connection.

Without skills to counter that how in the world could you be expected to be in anything other than a sexually declining marriage?

You chose to be bound in an arrangement where you are only “allowed” to go to one woman for sex and this is a fine arrangement to consciously choose, but it this tells unconscious men a false story.

It’s a broken story that says that since she agreed to the sexual arrangement in the beginning she should always remain the easiest target for your getting off needs.

I don’t care how much you think you care about her pleasure, if you are not doing Change Her Mood, NOT Her Mind all day long, everyday from an internal desire to do so, than you are NOT having fully awake, actualized sex.

You can’t not say you care about her pleasure if you fail to learn what that means and requires. It becomes a lie you tell yourself to avoid an awkward undertaking.

You are not a bad man, you simply bought into a social norm that tells us that because she signed up to be obligated to be willing to have sex with you on demand that you shouldn’t have to keep awakening her sexually over and over. And yet that is exactly how women’s desire and body’s work.

The story the culture tells us is that it isn’t on you to be her go-to guy to take her deeper than she can on her own, once married. She should just stay open and pre-seduced out of loyalty to her vow.

You refuse to learn how to lead her to openness but you harbor a slow burning resentment based on the norm promise that you have every right as a married man to expect she will at least buck herself up and pretend to be into sex with you.

I mean we all know that a good wife respects her husband more than her own body and desires, right? We just need to be polite and not speak of it and it will all be ok.

I know you feel rationalized in being out of sorts and for your affairs, porn use and hiring of hand job gals, checking out into video game and sports because you can feel her willingness is not desire.

I know you are sad the story you were told turn out to be a lie.

I know you feel resigned.

I know you have bought in on this being “just how it is” to be married.

I know you feel powerless to change this but the truth is, you actually hold all the power to change this for the better.

As your coach and inspiration, I will walk along side you until your new norm is being a natural seductive man that knows how to open his women to him again and again, going deeper and deeper.

wife with help sign

Dear nice, sweet, norm follower wife,

I see you. I see your relationship for what it really is. It’s ok, I’m here to help.

I’m going to say something harsh right now. I say it to hopefully wake you up so you can make positive change.

Ready? You don’t desire your husband, you desire security. He is numb and can’t feel that . This is why he tries to get out of sex out of you even when you are not activated in desire.

I know, how can you be both a good woman AND own this as your truth?

When you do, you take a huge leap toward being a grown up and being able to be what is required for something better. Not what HE requires but what satisfying intimacy and depth of experience requires.

He can’t can feel the difference you know. He hasn’t ever been encouraged or taught how to open you or process emotions. He is disconnected form his body and his chase of the release is just his misguided and frantic way of attempting to re-connect. Forgive him please and choose to inspire him along instead of admonishing him. He just truly does not know.

He already knows your desire isn’t for him but for what provision he can provide you and the children with his work outside of the house and on the house. This is painful for him but it is what he knows how to do.

Doesn’t mean you don’t love he, just that you are not very interested or invested in learning how to be loving in the way a man can relate to him, through respect and acceptance. He need you to find a way to access this part of your feminine to the fullest extent you are capable.

Being willing to open your legs to him for under enthused sex, bringing home your pay check, taking great care of his young, cleaning house, making meals, planning the menu, shopping and stocking the household, driving kids around, organizing your social schedule as a couple, buying him gifts on holidays and saying nice things are not bad, but often hollow tokens and not the stuff of intense turn on.

This is why 80% of American marriages report a level of dissatisfaction in their sex lives and 60% of that stat are women reporting their relief at getting out of sex with their husbands that they say they do love.

I believe she loves him. But I KNOW she doesn’t respect him or her body would open to him.

See, seduction happens all day long in healthy awake relationships.

It’s not that you are a selfish bitch, but the version of a martial arrangement you are in promotes a death of passion and soul connection.

Without skills to counter that how in the world could you be expected to be in anything other than a sexually declining marriage?

You chose to be bound in an arrangement where you are only “allowed” to go to one man for sex and this is a fine arrangement to consciously choose, but it this tells unconscious men a false story.

It’s a broken story that says that since she agreed to the sexual arrangement in the beginning she should always remain the easiest target for your getting off needs.

I know you don’t think he cares about your pleasure, because he is not doing Change Her Mood, NOT Her Mind all day long, everyday from an internal desire to do so, than you are NOT having fully awake, actualized sex.

I know he SAYS he cares about your pleasure yet he refuses to learn what that means and requires. It becomes a lie he tells himself to avoid what is a truly an awkward undertaking for a man.

You are not a bad woman, you simply bought into a social norm that tells us that because you signed up to be obligated to be willing to have sex with your husband on demand that should never expect him to make the effort to re-awaken you sexually over and over. And yet that is exactly how women’s desire and body’s work, sister.

The story the culture tells us is that it isn’t on him to be her go-to guy to take her deeper than she can on her own, once married.

She should just stay open and pre-seduced out of loyalty to her vow. Why can’t you seem to manage that bitch? Because it is not the nature of the female human to do so. Don’t spend time kicking yourself when you could spend time learning how to inspire men to personal greatness and finally get your needs met…and his!!

If you do all you can to inspire him and he still refuses to learn how to lead you to openness, but you may begin to harbor a slow burning resentment based on what the norm promised you if you got married.

In the current norm he has every right as a married man to expect you to at least buck yourself up like a good solider wifey and pretend to be into sex with with him to gain provision/security from him… it’s only fair…it IS the deal you both bought into and made a vow to, right?

I mean we all know that a good wife respects her husband more than her own body and desires, right? We just need to be polite and not speak of it and it will all be ok.

I know you feel rationalized in being out of sorts and for your affairs, over focus on the children, bogus yoga retreats just to get a break from dead fish sex with him, checking out into romance novels, guilty pleasure food and tv watching because you can feel your willingness you know it is not deep desire.

I know you are sad the story you were told turn out to be a lie.

I know you feel resigned.

I know you have bought in on this being “just how it is” to be married.

I know you feel powerless to change this but the truth is, you actually hold all the power to change this for the better.

As your coach and inspiration, I will walk along side you until your new norm is being a natural seductive man that knows how to open his women to him again and again, going deeper and deeper. Or at least I will refer you to a great coach for women and provide a discussion group for you to process it out in a safe container. 🙂

hope sign

 

 

Michelle Terrell has been a health and wellness coach since 1995. In those years she collected data and the real life testimonials of thousands of good men who were feeling lost and confused in their love lives. Her workshop students dubbed her The Pistol Whip Hippie because her teaching/coaching style is irreverent, in your face and radically honest (the Pistol Whip part) with the follow up being supportive, nurturing awakened energy (the Hippie part) that inspires men to strive to be their very best.

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